The Great Epic Quest, originally called EPIC QUEST....! on the Metroid Clubhouse Forum, is the third chapter of The Epic Quest Saga. It can be considered the foundational thread of the Saga, for it is therein that both its distinctive style and basic premise is conceived.
TO LISTEN TO A DRAMATIC READING OF THE GREAT EPIC QUEST: PLEASE VISIT Chosenwaffle's Youtube
In order of appearance:
- The Dragon
- Guitar Hero
- Cobalt Metroid (not really)
- The Baker
- The Waffle
- Jacen Solo
- King Enishi Yukishiro
- The Chef
- Jacen's Clones
- The Rubber Citizens of Cepialand
- The Eggman
- Broccoli Men
It is many years after the events of the Battle Royale concluded with the leveling of the Town. The Dragon and Guitar Hero emerge at the same time, and enter into conflict.Guitar Hero ends up the loser, and he retreats. He spends three years in recovery, after which he sets out to form The B-Team (EQ:1:1) with the aim of destroying the Dragon. Most of the team assembles (including Guitar Hero, Jacen Solo, and The Chef), and Guitar Hero calls the start a sparring contest to test their strength; those present enter into harmless destruction of each other (EQ:1:3).
Neither The Baker nor Samus participated in the sparring contest at the beginning of Epic Quest. It is assumed they operated as vigilantes during the in-between years. The MufinMan awoke that day to find that someone had absconded with the entirety of his Mufin collection, and that someone had also stolen his Ban-Hammer (EQ:1:13). They departed in the Baker's Delivery Van-Ship.
Meanwhile, the Chef, who had stolen the Ban-Hammer and had used it against Jacen, begins to fight in earnest (EQ:1:6). Jacen had retrieved the Ban-Hammer, and used a shard of its material to clone himself again; it then became misplaced (EQ:1:7). After the conflict had escalated too far, Guitar Hero attempted to calm the fighting (EQ:1:14). The Chef then formed his own Topiccloser hammer; at this point, his betrayal was complete, and he set himself against the B-Team. With his new weapon, he begins to spew Gravy on the Team, which caused catastrophic flooding in the area(EQ:1:15).
At this point, the Baker and Samus had arrived at the battlefield. The still-faithful B-Team regrouped at the Baker's ship, and, after apologies were made by Jacen, they launched an assault on the Chef (EQ:1:19). This drives the Chef off of the planet (EQ:2:4), and he retreats to planet Cepialand, where he enslaves the Rubber Citizens and assembles an army of them (EQ:2:6). Noticing that that area of the earth still had life (despite his Gravy-flood), he sent down turkey-meteors. Meanwhile, the Baker discovers that Jacen had used part of his Hammer to make clones (EQ:2:5), and that Guitar Hero had used the shard of it in combat. After apologies and amends were made, Guitar Hero suspends the majority of the turkeys in the air (EQ:2:8), but one crashes into and totals the Delivery Van-Ship (EQ:2:16). The Baker discovers that the hilt of his Hammer had been accidentally baked into the meteor, but the Hammerhead was still missing. Guitar Hero realizes that he is too weak after the battle to continue, and he withdraws to his island hideout concealed in a storm (EQ:2:8).
Meanwhile, the Chef had turned one of Jacen's clones into a new servant, The Gravychef (EQ:2:9). He had also sent newly-spawned Broccoli Men to capture the sleeping Guitar Hero (EQ:2:13). It is then that the titanic Gravy Waffle appears, and tries to save Guitar Hero (EQ:2:14). Also at this point, The Eggman appears in another place, and begins killing and absorbing souls to increase his power (EQ:2:15). The Eggman released a monumental POOOOT, which stirred Guitar Hero in his sleep (EQ:2:17) and caused the Waffle to crash (EQ:2:18); this crushed the Eggman, and he fell asleep (EQ:2:19).
Guitar Hero awakes, and he escapes to the ground, killing his captors in the process. He then attempts to return the shard to the Baker (EQ:3:1). After trying to return the shard, it flashed brightly; this stunned him, and he fell into a chasm. All of Jacen's clones died, and the shard appeared in the Baker's hand, and what was later revealed to be the Kaiburr Crystal appeared in Jacen's (EQ:3:4).
At that moment, the Chef's forces attacked and captured the Baker and Jacen, and the Gravychef went to explore the chasm; Samus was still incognito. The Broccoli Men stored the two in their ship and took off for home (EQ:3:5). After awaking, the Baker found that the shard had become fused to his palm. It was found to have a strong attraction to the hilt, which returned to him through numerous bulkheads. Samus, back on earth, awoke, and also went to explore the chasm (EQ:3:6). The Eggman confronted the Gravychef (EQ:3:8), and gets immobilized (EQ:3:9). Meanwhile, Samus found Guitar Hero in the chasm. The Baker and Jacen had taken over the Pancake vessel, and crashed back into earth (EQ:3:10). The vessel crashed on the Gravychef and Samus, killing the gravy-monster. Word of this reached Chef, who decided to return to earth (EQ:3:11).
The Eggman, his quarry now killed, turns his attention to Samus (EQ:3:12); he is interrupted by the Chef's return, who demands that the B-Team surrenders (EQ:3:13). Jacen, meanwhile, rears for battle, his crystal empowering his him even more with the Force (EQ:3:14). This response does not please the Chef, whose forces open fire on the Team (EQ:3:15). However, their food-based weapons were ineffective (EQ:3:16). After more conflict with The Chef's forces, the Team was snatched up by a Wayward Gnome (EQ:3:19). Their focus then turns to destroying The Dragon. Meanwhile, Chef reveals to the readers that the Dragon held a great secret in its lair — The Cornchips of Warrior's Might.
The Team was dropped off near a town (EQ:4:2) in which they found directions to the Dragon and purchased a replica Yem-Shui Mk. IV with a LifeMufin (EQ:4:5). The rest of the team also make purchases to upgrade their abilities. Meanwhile, the Chef, who had camped with his forces outside of the Lair, found The Alchemist, who showed him how to make Gravy Men out of the Rubber Citizens (EQ:4:4); he then killed them all to convert them to his new creations (EQ:4:6). Jacen, sensing the massacre through the Force, then went near the cave, and saw the Chef, sending a message to his comrades to come quickly (EQ:4:7).
While the Chef was planning his plans, he encountered the newly-appeared Masta Cheif and his friends, who wanted an alliance. Even after the Chef unapologetically killed off both of his friends, Cheif still desired an alliance, but Chef had the whole time been preparing to kill him. Cheif barely escaped with his life.
Meanwhile, the Eggman had stowed aboard the new Yem-Shui, but was detected and driven off by the B-Team (EQ:4:16). The Eggman, after powering up and thinking for a while, makes a decision to form a temporary alliance with the B-Team to defeat the Chef and the Dragon (EQ:5:6). Masta Cheif recovers and finds new friends, and begins to reenter the fray (EQ:5:5).
The B-Team reach the Chef's camp around the Dragon's lair and engage, gaining the victory against Chef's forces. In order to prevent defeat, the Chef rouses the sleeping Dragon, which emerges and destroys nearly everything, including the B-Team's ship (EQ:5:10). In a fit of childish rage over the loss of his shiny new ship, the Baker assaulted and brutally murdered the Chef. Surprisingly, he found that the Chef had eaten the head of the Ban-Hammer, and it had reattached itself to the hilt as the two reunited (inside Chef's head.) However, the Chef resurrected as a Zombie, now with the power of necromancy (EQ:5:15).
During this, the Eggman and Masta Cheif join up and attack the Dragon, with the goal of stealing the Cornchips for themselves (EQ:5:11-14). The Eggman succeeds and absorbs the Chips, his power increasing exponentially (EQ:5:19), enough so that he single-handedly killed the dragon in a single blow, after which he left the scene (EQ:6:2).
The Chef uses his necromancy to create a powerful slave monster for himself named Cthulu, who begins to fight the Baker while the Chef reincarnates and enslaves the Dragon itself, which he uses to fly away to the previously mentioned town in order to steal the LifeMufin. Then a lot of crazy power-ups and such happened, none necessary to mention. Also Daemon is first mentioned, who starts his training on planet UDF (EQ:6:7).
Jacen finally defeated Cthulu, ending the battle at the Dragons' cave. The B-Team returned to the town, shipless, and rested for the night.
Turns out the LifeMufin had been eaten, so the Chef changed his plans. He starts to raise an army of undead, and joins up with the Eggman. Eggman would reap souls, gaining power, and the Chef would raise the bodies, gaining soldiers. However, in order to accept this alliance, the Chef demands that Masta Cheif dies, which happens. Although apparently MC had wanted this all along? Good plan. By the way, the Eggman had destroyed planet UDF, and Daemon barely escaped in time in a spaceship (EQ:7:18).
The next morning, the Baker and Samus go into the town to assemble the Turbo Bus, and use it to fly to and engage the Eggman and Chef (EQ:7:5). Jacen, using incredible Force Hax, causes the Eggman to retreat. The Chef uses alchemy to create a potion to bring the Eggman back, but after this, the Eggman remains fairly docile and mostly watches, occasionally interfering with the battle.
Guitar Hero chooses to fight the Dragon, his sworn enemy, convinced that it was still the true villain and everything was a part of its plan. The Baker, meanwhile, discovers that his recently acquired weaponry is SUPER EFFECTIVE against Zombies, and utterly destroys the Chef. However, in Hell, the Chef makes a deal with Satan and returns to earth for one week with the goal of reuniting the Cornchips with their original resting place. By doing these things he hopes to receive forgiveness and go to heaven instead of hell.
Also, Daemon does some power-ups and MC joins up with him. Super.
Finally, God Himself damns the Eggman to Hell for his evilness, and all that is left on the battlefield are the Dragon and some minions. The B-Team cleans them up, and regroups at the van, in which reincarnated, original-form Chef stows away. The Chef reveals himself and explains his purposes (minus the revenge part), and he joins? up with them.
The Eggman, of course, returns, and becomes even more powerful than he was before, now absorbing the soul of Abyss. The B-Team flies to intercept him, but he is simply too powerful. He instantly kills Samus, at which point the Chef turns on the Team once again and thwarts the Baker's attempt to heal her. Guitar Hero and Jacen attack the Chef, who flees to try to accomplish his duty to return the Cornchips.
The Chef approaches Abyss once again for a truce, asking him to put the Cornchips in the cave on the condition that he receive them again, thus fulfilling one of Chef's requirements. However, the Chef betrays Abyss and seals them away forever, with the hopes of greatly weakening him. However, those Cornchips were fakes, and Abyss turned on the Chef, barely sparing his life. The Chef crawls back to the B-Team and pleads for forgiveness.
Meanwhile, the Eggman had killed the Alchemist, thus fulfilling the other of Chef's requirements. Apparently, Satan was satisfied with the fake Cornchips, fulfilling that requirement as well, and the Chef ascends to heaven. While there, he meets Samus' soul, and the two gain God's permission to return to earth.
Jacen, however, decides to join Abyss. Cute.
A series of unnecessary events ensues, resulting finally with this matchup: Guitar Hero, Samus, the Baker, newly-appeared JibJib the Great and King Enishi Yukishiro on one side, Abyss, the Chef, Jacen, MastaCheiftan, Daemon, and some minions on the other side.
They fight. The Baker actually dies trying to kill Abyss, but comes back from heaven with holy fury and severely weakens him, destroying his scythe and the Cornchips. Souls begin spilling out of him. However, the Chef intervenes, and pulls his original soul out of Abyss and uses it to assault Guitar Hero's mind. Finally, Enishi and JibJib die, and Abyss absorbs the Chef, turning into a monstrosity of power. Jacen, who had all along been trying to use his position to defeat Abyss, could no longer stand to be fighting with a side that killed his comrades, and realizes that he could no longer do anything against Abyss anyway. He returns to the B-Team with a stricken conscience.
Abyss prepares to annihilate the B-Team, and Guitar Hero steps in the way. Unleashing his true power, he buys enough time for the B-Team to escape, and they all retreat, going into hiding for the next three years...